Rainbow

In the pregnancy community, there is a special term for a baby that comes after a baby loss: a rainbow baby. One explanation I've seen is this:

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Owen is our first rainbow baby, as he came after our miscarriage. From the day we found out we were pregnant with him, he helped us move past our loss and see happiness and hope in our future as parents. He has provided so much light and love in our lives, and we see the beauty of our "rainbow" in him every day.

Now, almost 9 months after we lost Elliott, we're ready to share that our second rainbow is on the way. I am 15 weeks pregnant and so far things are going really well. We've had more frequent appointments to this point than in previous pregnancies, and all have been amazing. We first saw our baby at 7 weeks, and the heart was already beating. Baby didn't look like much more than a jelly bean, but the heart was very easy to see and was beating so strongly.



We went back two weeks later, and our jelly bean had grown to a gummy bear. The heart was beating just as strong as at 7 weeks. My doctor ordered an early gestational diabetes test because of our history of giant babies (Owen was 9lbs 12oz; Elliott was 11lbs 10oz), but I passed with no question. GD was all but ruled-out after our loss, but we're not taking any chances this time!

And two weeks ago, at 13 weeks, we had our most recent appointment. Baby actually looks like a baby already, and he/she is very active and amazing already. Besides bouncing around, we got to see the mouth opening and closing, and a full barrel roll. This one, knock on wood, is going to give Owen some competition for energy levels!



And a bonus video, (pardon my voice...I was excited!):


So, how are we feeling 3+ months into this new pregnancy? Surprisingly, calm. I don't know if it's denial or our math backgrounds, but I just don't feel like lightning will strike again. We've had more than our share of losses, and I'm over it! No more! I've been pretty tired through the first trimester, and I've definitely had food aversions (aka "morning" sickness) in the late afternoons and evenings, but I feel better physically than I was expecting. I feel better all around than I was expecting.

I have been very weepy, though. I think forward to delivery day, hoping to get there with the best possible outcome, but then I think of the last time we were in that operating room and what a tragic time that was. No one should have to feel that pain. But being pregnant again, I can't help but think about all the hopes and dreams and expectations we had last November, only to be devastated with the worst. It's such a range of emotions, to which I'm sure pregnancy hormones are contributing. Since how this pregnancy will turn out is pretty much out of my hands, I'm choosing to be excited and hopeful. But I'll never forget the losses we've had, and how they have changed us as people and parents.

Yesterday, to honor a friend's lost twins on their first birthday, Owen, Dan, and I took balloons to Golden Gardens beach to release. I didn't decorate them elaborately -- simply the first initial of each person lost too soon. B for Bryston, C for Colton, R for Dan's mom Robin, E for our sweet Elliott. Owen let each one go, and I was a mess. I keep thinking of our plans to scatter Elliott's ashes in Kauai in November, and it doesn't get much harder than that. But just like the past 8+ months, we'll get through that too. We can only just take one day at a time.



Our official due date with this current rainbow is February 6, 2012. Assuming (and hoping with everything that I have!) that things go well, we're looking at a mid-to-late-January c-section date. Although I'm guessing my OB would support me in an attempt at a VBA2C, I have no delusions that I can deliver these giant kids without surgical help. Delivering a little early will hopefully help calm some of the late-pregnancy nerves that I'm sure we'll have. But just like for the past 11 weeks since the second pink line showed up on the test, I'm not in a hurry and I'm trying not to look too far ahead. Baby will get here soon enough, and it's best for all of us to relax as much as possible and trust in the process. As an added "bonus" this time, we are going to wait until birth to find out the sex of this baby. Owen is guessing he's getting a sister. As of this minute I'm guessing boy, but ask me again in 10 minutes. :P